Pairing: Chris & Darren
Rating: PG-13 or R ish
Words: 1,740 (maybe 1 of 2? but that will be a little later)
Notes: friendship, implied sexy funtimes with other people, party drug use. Based on a tweet or two that reported Chris at some utterly ridiculous White Party kickoff event last night (and a lot of silly texts about it with colfer), and the upcoming anniversary of the magical joy that was Coachella!Darren.
“So what do you want me to do exactly?” Darren pipes up as they pass the last sign before the Palm Springs exit, reaching to turn down Gotye. Chris considers him.
“I’m not sure yet...like, make sure I don’t get dragged off and gang-banged like that Queer as Folk episode, for one.”
“JESUS, Chris...” Darren blanches at the thought of his sweet little Kurt getting his ass plowed by a bunch of meth freaks and almost veers off the road.
“I mean definitely don’t let anyone video it...if they do...you know. Gang bang.” Chris snaps his gum and slides his sunglasses down to better see Darren squirm. Darren’s hands fidget on the steering wheel. Chris rolls his eyes. “Oh my god why did I even pick you? You’re going to clutch your pearls every time you see a hard cock near me aren’t you.”
“You picked me because I’m an awesome wingman, and because you know I’m actually not going to clutch my pearls. And because I actually support your little journey of rebellion and self-discovery here, as long as it’s all nice and safe. And I can tuck you in in your Ravenclaw jammies at the end of the night.”
“Ahhh, Controlled Danger, my middle names. And I don’t think there’s really an ‘end of the night’ at these things. You just keep partying”
“Chris Colfer...party til the break of dawn...I’ll believe it when I see it.”
“You’ve seen me drink like 23 Diet Cokes and stay up til dawn plenty of times.”
“True, but that’s because you thought if you stayed up and kept watching that Cousin Matthew would walk again.”
“And he did.”
“Yes, he did, thanks to you and that case of Diet Coke...ok speaking of which. You gonna take stuff?”
“Oh little Colfer-Wan. Yes, I mean drugs. I mean...guys are going to offer you stuff. I’m a firm believer in indulgence with moderation, myself, so.”
“Oh yeah, I’ve seen those Coachella pictures. That was not moderation, my dear.”
“It...ok, actually....fuck, ok never mind about that. That’s why you’re going with me next weekend, right?”
“I suppose so, but I don’t know how I’m supposed to stop you from licking some hallucinogenic turtle or shoving magic berries up your ass.”
“You’re not, you’re just going to keep me from thinking I can become a pterodactyl if I can climb that palm tree, or bury myself in a hole and become one with the earth. Let’s worry about what’s going in your ass for now, ok Ted?”
“I am not Ted. I am Emmett, obviously.”
“Oh honey. Kurt is Emmett. You are Michael.”
“I hate you so much right now. You literally don’t even know. The depths. I’m going to have to journal through some rage.”
“Maybe even write a comic book...”
“SHUT UP. Back to my ass.”
“Nothing in my ass.”
“Blow jobs...what do you think?”
“I’m a fan.”
“Do you think it’s too risky?”
“What about condoms?”
“Condoms for blow jobs?! Is that...a thing?”
“I don’t know I’ve never been to an anonymous public sex party!”
“You’ve gotten a blow job from someone you just met though.”
“And that person was...?”
“Joey. I mean...what?”
“A male, Darren. You got a blow job, from a guy, you had just met.”
“Yes, yes, fine, yes. And no there was no condom. I guess it’s on the ‘relatively safe’ end of the risky anonymous sex spectrum.”
“Ok so. Maybe blow jobs. Drugs?”
“You’ve what...smoked a little pot?”
“Yeah, it makes me kind of weird...er. Kind of judgy and aloof.”
“Wow that is weird.”
“So maybe something more...fun? And social. And dancey.”
“Don’t get judgy, just get dancey...” Darren belts out. “Sorry, sorry. So I’ve done...no let’s go the other route. I haven’t done heroin, or PCP...or DMT but that’s pretty unlikely out here...ok I think that covers it.”
“Hey you don’t get this fucking awesome just by genetics and luck and...what, school? It’s like brain soup up in here. Sometimes you gotta stir that pot, man. See what’s in it.”
“I...that almost made sense, and I hate it.”
“So maybe a little E. Molly, the kids are calling it. I think you’ll like that. You have to let me taste it first though. No pills, no mystery capsules. Anything worthy of your beautiful body taking it in will be pure uncut powder and they’ll be dying to show off the quality.”
“Ok...so you’re basically my royal food taster?”
“At your service, my Queen.”
“Wow this is...wow this is gay. Is this what being gay is? This is...really really gay!” Chris can’t close his mouth so Darren reaches into one of the many pockets of his ridiculous, shiny white cargo shorts, slung low on his hips from the weight of god knows what he has in there, and pulls out a Blow-Pop.
“You...you need that. Or something. In your mouth. It was...open.”
“Don’t say that too loud, I’m sure someone here will be more than happy to...”
“Hi there.” A well-muscled voice and a hand on Darren’s waist cuts in.
“Oh. Hello. I’m, uh...this is Chris.” Darren presents him with a flourish like a prize in the Showcase Showdown.
“Chris is cute. Hi Chris. My boyfriend and I think you are super hot.” Muscles drags a pointed finger over Darren’s hipbones and down his abs, lingering in the trail of hair that dips below his really much too low-slung shorts.
“Oh! Super hot, I don’t know, I don’t really work out or...hey, thanks, that’s uh. Really. Gosh. Hi.”
“Wanna jerk off together? We’d love to jizz all over that gorgeous chest. Chris too if he wants.” Muscles shrugs toward Chris and Darren raises his eyebrows high above the rims of his white Ray-Bans.
“Oh, I, huh, we really just got here and that sounds, organic, and stuff...”
“He would love to.” Chris shoves him forward and flops down into a hammock, hands behind his head. “I’d rather just watch. If that’s ok. I’m into watching. Gets me...so hot.” He rubs his hand over his crotch suggestively and Darren’s mouth drops open.
Chris takes the Blow-Pop from his mouth and holds it out. “Need this?”
“Well that was...” Darren flops down in the hammock as his two new friends tumble back down to the main dance floor.
“Awesome? Ew...” Chris scootches away as Darren rolls a little too close.
“So judgy! Let’s go find some drugs...and a shower.”
“It was hot though. Right?”
Chris smirks behind his dark sunglasses, reaching one hand out and pausing over Darren’s abs.
“You have hand sanitizer in those pockets right?”
“K.” Chris drags one finger through the quickly stickifying come on Darren’s stomach. “Fuck yes it was hot. Close your mouth.”
“Oh...wow.” Chris blinks. Blink blink.
“You ok?” Darren smiles, quirky little smile.
“Yeaahhh, my little Colfer krispie treat. I knew that guy would have good shit. Geeks always have the best drugs, remember that.”
“Hiiiii, Darren.” Pet. Pet pet.
“And those pictures of his cats were just adorable.”
“Oooh do you have another lollipop? Do you want to dance? Oh my god dancing sounds so great. I love this song, I love dancing. The desert is so pretty. Isn’t it pretty? Oooh lollipop. OOOH frozen drinks! Let’s go get one...oh my god I love this song!”
“I love you, Darren!” Chris hugs him behind his waist and almost makes him trip over his Havaianas. He pats his hands, but it feels backwards, and Darren figures this is a pretty rare opportunity probably worth at least turning around for. He turns and Chris grabs him and hugs him all over, all at once, like trying to hold onto a puppy that’s squirming away. Darren isn’t going anywhere. Darren rubs his knuckles up and down Chris’s back and he can feel the exact moment Chris melts into a puddle of brain soup. He kisses him on the forehead.
“I know, baby. Love you too.”
“Chris...this is Jonathan.”
“Hiiii there. Wow. You are. Tall. And hi. I’m...Chris.” Chris lowers his sunglasses. That’s too hard. Pushes them back up. He holds out his hand. Hands are so weird. But this hand feels so goooood. Oooh. Hand.
“Hello, handsome. I hope you don’t mind...I noticed you over here and asked your friend...” Chris looks like he’s trying to listen but also trying to divine the nature of the circle in spiritual geometry. There’s a lot of brow-furrowing.
“Jonathan is a doctor.” Darren announces proudly, mouthing the word doc-tor phonetically and motioning to him. Doc-tor. He has to bounce on his tiptoes to get Chris’s attention.
“Doctor...McDreamy...oh dear am I thinking or talking.”
“Yeah that was out loud.” Darren peeps over his shoulder. Chris cocks his head. McDreamy laughs.
“It’s ok. I’ve heard that one before. I don’t actually watch tv, so--”
“Ohhhhh.” Chris and Darren say in unison, nodding. Chris keeps nodding. “Uh huh. Uh huh.” Looks at Darren. Darren gives him a pew pew hand gun. Chris cocks his head again.
“OK! I’m going to...get some margaritas. Like six margaritas. I’ll be..margaritas!” Darren slaps his thighs.
Chris has his sunglasses off and is chewing on the earpiece when Darren gets back. His eyes are kind of scrunchy and he looks pretty out of it, and his mouth is thoughtfully pursing, nipping, sucking at that hard piece of plastic. He must be sooooooo high, Darren thinks to himself and snickers, shifting his armload of margaritas and frozen lemonade and water.
Then he notices McDreamy is on his knees, odd.
Then he notices Chris’s dick. Is out of his shorts. And oh. There it is. Yep. Bobbing and hard and sliding in and out of another man’s mouth and...purple?
Chris’s eyes suddenly connect to his brain and he sees Darren. He waves.
“Darren! Darren!” He points. To his fucking dick. “Condom!”
McDreamy pauses, licks out to the tip and holds it there. “I am a doctor.”
Darren hands Chris a margarita. “I told you!” They clink neon pink plastic cups. Darren watches Chris shimmer in the slowly setting desert sun, and waits for him to come. The cuddles are going to be epic.